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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Natalie's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
10:58 pm
Meet me at the crossroads so I can have someone to walk into the light with
Meet me at the crossroads so I can have someone to walk into the light with
Meet me at the crossroads so I can have someone to walk into the light with
Meet me at the crossroads so I can have someone to walk into the light with
Meet me at the crossroads so I can have someone to walk into the light with
Meet me at the crossroads so I can have someone to walk into the light with
Meet me at the crossroads so I can have someone to walk into the light with
12:37 am
Meet me
Meet me half way if i go that extra length just to help your strength
Meet me at the AA meeting, needing to take more than 12 steps
Bring me to your hiding place, so I can face your vice grip
I'll chisel every single monkey off your back with this ice pick
Come meet up with me on the sidelines when the game is over
Just to say hello, then afterwards, backstage
To let me know that you enjoyed the show
And go to grandma's house for Sunday dinner
Sit at the head of the table, take away the fatal flaw
you made the day before, I seen you bleed
Meet me on Christmas Eve, we can fight but make up before you leave
Make visits with the rest of those who rest in pieces on my dreams
Meet me at the fork in the road where lost souls get indecisive
Meet me at the crossroads so I can have someone to walk into the light with
Sunday, May 14th, 2006
8:14 am
Saturday, May 13th, 2006
6:32 am
I have a really weird sense of humor.
Seriously though. It's not normal.
Monday, May 8th, 2006
9:54 pm
Are you fucking kidding me.

Today? TODAY?! Out of all the fucking places in Palo Alto he had to be there eating with her. And I had to be with them. HE'S NEVER THERE.

And of ALL the things he had to say to me he had to tell me THAT?! Fuck that. NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?! FUCK. THAT.



I give up I give up I give up.
Friday, May 5th, 2006
10:27 am
Oh boy. Hahaha. I apologize for that last entry. I don't really take myself that seriously. But it was a pretty accurate representation of how I was feeling at that point.

So today I'm getting my tattoo. Here's the sketch: http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b134/Segasonicfan/Drawings/tat2.jpg
I had Zach draw it for me. It started out as a doodle on my notebook, and now I'm getting it on the back of my neck forever. Today after school. Ink. Yes. Yay.

The tattoo artist is sick as fuck, too. I'm excited.

I got my nose pierced right before all this shit happened and my life kinda fell apart. So as of today, I'm starting over. Last night was just the last fucking straw. I can't do it anymore, I can't deal with drama and drugs and shit like that anymore. I thought the only way to go was down, but really, the only way to go is forward. Trying to find someone to swim with, but I can do it by myself now.
Monday, May 1st, 2006
10:12 pm
paperface amy: yeah i know what you mean
paperface amy: that sucks dude thats the worst feeling in the world
NixHex9: haha ill admit as much as i hate emo..
NixHex9: you cant not be emo and a hopeless romantic if there is such a thing
Sunday, April 30th, 2006
12:37 pm
Last Wednesday
Me: "Oh my God. Fuck. Fuck. Ughhh okay, okay... just.. I just need a second. I need a time out for a minute. I need a second."
Ley: "No, Natalie, you need a time in."

I am so fucking grateful for Ley Ley. And all of my friends that still are willing to talk to me.
12:03 am
Got to keep on walking on the road to Zion..

candy flip v 1. to ingest LSD and ecstasy at the same time. Extremely popular at dance clubs and raves because of the intense high.
"I've never candy flipped as hard as I did last night." Submitted by Maestro, Newark, DE, USA, 17-04-1998. From http://www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~wrader/slang/c.html.

Monday, April 24th, 2006
10:13 pm
"That's my only explanation."
I want to be a good thing in people's lives again. I fuck up a lot, that's what I do. But I try to change and make it better. At least that's something I guess. My throat hurts and even though I try my HARDEST not to stress and spend energy on things I can't change I still do it because they hurt like hell. Yeah. That's all really. I keep thinking I miss how my life used to be, and then I think about it and I'm like.. it was always like this, minus the drugs and Bryan and my parents knowing the truth. But then again it was nothing like this. The people in my life are all so different. Every day is different, but then again it's almost always exactly the same. I know what to expect. I know what people are doing. I know my boyfriend is talking to other girls because he's thinking about breaking up with me. I know Kelsey is spending most of her time with Dusty and Stephanie, and was thinking about how much she hated me in class today. I know Myke is at his house listening to music. I know Greg is in Fremont getting fucked up but being quiet about it. I know Alexey is at home watching TV, or doing homework. I know Carmen is in Honduras asleep, and Luisa is right next to her. I know Natalie M is in Ohio trying to fall asleep, thinking too much about how much she weighs and what clothes she wears. But then again none of them could be there at all.

Yeah. Time to die.
Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
6:21 pm
I have to admit..
I've been doing hella immature shit lately.

But the good news is. I am not being sent to rehab! Yay tralalalala.

I'm going to list the good things that I have in my life since I've been holding on so hard to the bad stuff.
1. Alexey
2. I met some people that were awesome last night and today.
3. Bryan has not as yet broken up with me, which means he still might give me another chance.
4. I HATE drinking and have since monday refused every chance I had to drink.
5. The friends I still have, which is more than I thought. And I'm lucky.
7. I'm writing HELLA more
8. I have good grades!
9. I'm going to SF State and have a dorm there already =D
10. I have a sick acoustic project with Spencer
11. And another one with Bryan which MIGHT still be alive
12. I found out Gab might not be mad at me anymore.
13. I have a job!
14. I have a full pack of cigarettes
15. Tomorrow in class all we're doing is watching the Boiler Room.

YES! See that made me feel better. How can I be sad when I have all these good things in my life?
Friday, April 21st, 2006
8:16 pm
Neutral Milk Hotel's version of Glue is really all I can listen to right now.

Her love is so beautiful (The pain is so beautiful)
Her love is so real (The hurt is so real)
It smells like glue (It smells like glue)

That part is fucking amazing. BRILLIANT! Why can't I write like that?! Argh argh argh.

In other news, my life is pretty fucked up right now. My best friend told me she doesn't want to be friends anymore... over a MYSPACE MESSAGE. It was awesome. I laughed. And cried. Mostly cried. But! The important thing is that I DID laugh cos it's fucking hilarious.

I uh. Might be going away for a bit. Haha. Rehab and shit. But. Yeah. It doesn't really matter anymore cos like. There's nothing really left here for me anyway.
Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
3:06 pm
On learning how to swim
Step 1: Gauge depth of the pool.
How much is too much? When is it a problem?
Is the fact that my sister no longer talks to me a reflection on my blood alcohol level? Or is it just coincidence?
Does he need some space? Or does the fact that we fucked last night mean we're still together?

Step 2: Make sure you can keep your head above water.
Basically, did you learn enough yet? Do you know how?

Step 3: Dive in?
All I need to know is if you'll swim with me.

In other news! April the twentieth tomorrow. Hah. Hahaha.
I'm going to the beach.
Sunday, April 2nd, 2006
1:10 pm
That's the only word to accurately describe..

When you're high, I'm down on you
When you're gone, I'm around for you
what you need, I've heard it all before, it's true.
It's just the same thing, there's just a better view.
Friday, March 31st, 2006
9:52 pm
I'm tired.

Seriously, I just need... some sleep...

Thank God for spring break. Yesterday there was a beginning of break party at Vinny's and I got there way after everyone except the ones who were TRIPPING BALLS had left... and just watched them trip... all night. Which was amusing, but draining. And then today just UGH didn't come together because people who I thought would come through didn't...

YEAH pretty much I broke my brain and I can't make sense anymore.

Current Mood: exhausted
Monday, March 20th, 2006
11:05 pm
So I'm sitting here thinking about girls and boys
warm and cold, night and day, dark and light
reality's fading back in a little faster
than I'd like i to, it's a little harder
than I thought it'd be
And you're still sitting here but things have changed
we're struggling more than we used to to stay sane
i'm impossibly high and low at the same time
and yes, when you ask, everything's still fine
It's easy to forget you're here
when I'm trying to act like you're not
but it's hard to say the right things
i am not the answer that you've sought
(I'm tring to forget that you're making me nervous)
It's like snow angels, you're leaving a mark
we've turned the tables, I'm not going anywhere
i'm staying along for the ride this time
and yes, when you ask, everything's still fine
it's still fine, it's still fine

We're in this together for a little while
We're in this together for now
Sunday, March 19th, 2006
12:22 pm
Yes indeed...
So I went to my first rave on Friday.. St. Patrick's day.





But definitely after we all paid and were waiting out in the cold to be shuttled to the party.

Oh well. It turned out to be fun, actually. We found this raver dude... Dr. Smiles.. at the rave... AND TOOK HIM BACK TO PALO ALTO WITH US. He was just rolling hash splifs all night and smoking Sherman cigarettes. And then the next day.. he took us to breakfast at this raw foods place in Berkley. Hella. Good.

Aaaand yeah. I'm exhausted.

Time to go to sleep.
Thursday, March 9th, 2006
9:14 am
Well Sinead O'Rebellion. Shock me shock me shock me with that deviant behavior.
Fucking up, fucking up, fucking up.

That's what I've been doing lately =D

Current Mood: curious
Sunday, March 5th, 2006
11:32 am
Once I had a love and it was a gas..

This weekend was fun but I'm like.. out of energy. I have a staff meeting AGAIN today... and we had a meeting last week. And one on Thursday. And I tutored Friday. I'm tiiiired. No more.

And having a boyfriend.. is odd.
I'm not used to things.

Tonight I'm going to go have coffee with Colin cos he's my buddy.

How is tomorrow Monday already?!
Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
12:08 am
Snap, splat, gurgle
"And that 'snap, splat, gurgle' sound you just heard? Well, 'snap' was my heart breaking, 'splat' must have been my ego being squashed, and that 'gurgle' sound could only be the life-force draining from my body--Yes: 'snap, splat, gurgle,' all at once."

James St. James knows what I'm talking about. Motherfuckers.

OH WELL. Musn't dwell. Tomorrow = <3
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